5 Weeks!

I just found out I'm pregnant and have only told my one friend at work.  I had to tell someone!  I'm trying to come up with a fun way to tell The Bage.  It’s exciting, but in a different way from the first and I want to come up with something fun.  Plus, he only just 2 days ago said, “I’m ready for the next kid.”  And I’m 5 weeks now… you do the math ;) .  Trust me, there was no mal-intent or trickery here.  We talked about this a month ago and he was cool with it.  He has told me in the past, “Don’t tell me when you get off the pill.”  He doesn’t like feeling that pressure to perform.  I get it.  Anyway, I got off the pill a little over a month ago and didn’t want to get back on just to get off it again.  Well, it happened and I got pregnant!  At first I was shocked.  Like, I threw the pregnancy test away and was having a hard time convincing myself that that little plus sign was actually there.  I ended up running out and getting another test and it was positive too!  Anyway, I’m in a smidge of shock.  I did just call and make my first doctor’s appointment!  It’s just crazy to think that I’m going to be going through this all again J

How far along? 5 Weeks!  Just found out I am pregnant with Crinkles Junior on 7/9/13

Sleep? I’ve been tossing and turning a little the last couple days but I really don’t think that it’s pregnancy-related just yet.

Maternity Clothes? I don’t NEED them but I do have some that I wear because they’re cute!

 

Stretch Marks? Yes, there were there from my last darling child.  Not far enough along to have new ones.

Best Moment this week? Finding out the little surprise that I’m pregnant!!

Miss Anything? The thought of not getting to have this delicious beer and tequila I recently got.

Movement? Nope, not yet.

Size of the Baby? Appleseed

Food Cravings? Not really…. Just overall healthy food3

Food Aversions? ‘Fast Food’

Morning Sickness? Very light nausea.  Could pass for hunger.  Maybe it is?

 

Gender? Unknown.

 

Bed Rest? Nope

Limitations? Nope

Labor Signs? Nope

 

Weight Gain? I’m actually down a couple pounds.

Pregnancy Symptoms? Light nausea, taste and smell are affected, and my dog was smelling my boobs.

Belly Button In or Out? In

Wedding Rings On or Off? On

Mood? A little disbelief

Looking Forward To? Telling my husband I’m pregnant!

 

Fuck this shit...

AAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhh!!!!  I’m screaming here because I can’t scream out loud.  I’m at work and this sucks.  I fucking at this place!  There are the stupidest fucking rules and even though they tell you your opinion and voice matter, they don’t!  Not sure why I’m surprised.  So now.  Now, I’m sitting here keeping everything in.  I don’t know what to say or who to say it too for fear of further retribution.  I was ‘yelled’ at the other day for something that happened two weeks ago.  Admittedly, I was frustrated and I’m sure that showed on my face.  I still don’t know what I did ‘wrong’ other than not keep the meeting in a certain direction.  This is why I never want to be a manager.  I hate this place so much and just want to leave right now.  I just want to run away.  The only time I want to run is to run away.  And the shitty thing is, the times I want to run away, I can’t go anywhere.  I have to sit here and be quiet.

I hate days like this…

It's Been a While....

Since I posted anyway.  I was stressed.  Putting it simply.  Putting it more complexly (if that is even a word...) my work load blew up, my company is working towards a completely different style of work flow changing everything from they way are desks are set up to our assign agencies.  I took a CPCU exam two Friday's ago.  And for those of you who've taken them, you can understand.  All the while, I'm trying to take care of my 19 month old and keep my sanity.

I was so absolutely stressed out that I was breaking out in hives for about a week!  I would start to get really itchy.  If I could hold off scratching too much, it was just painful for a little bit.  But sometimes I couldn’t and I would just go to town.  The result was a ton of painful hives that took a little while to go away.  The worst was one day as I was getting out of the shower, the insides of my thighs were kind of itchy.  I scratched both sides a little bit and after I’d dried off, I put some comfy PJ pants on.  Well, I think the loose fabric brushing against my thighs didn’t help because all of a sudden I was scratching like crazy.  The result?  A conglomerate of hives…that looked like One. Giant. hive.  I sat in a chair with my pants down and ice on them to help keep me from scratching.  I thought it was stress but had never had that before.  I hadn’t changed any detergents, cleaning solutions, used new body products, etc so I really didn’t think it could be an allergy like that.  It would also happen in random places.  Sometimes it was my hands, one time it was my shoulder, once my foot, so yeah, it was just weird.  It was during that week that I made the decision to prep my resume and get ready to leave.  I’d like to find another job now but I’m really thinking about going back to school and without describing step by step at this point, waiting it out here another year would be the best situation.  If I can make it.  If it’s affecting my health physically and mentally that badly, I should not stay but it might be getting better, we’ll see.

In the meantime, another update on my depression progress.  I’m doing FABULOUS!  I feel stronger mentally than I have in a long time.  I feel like I can get frustrated but not feel like I want to hurt something (or myself).  When I was going through those extremely stressful weeks mentioned above, I didn’t feel like killing myself.  And that is saying something.  I cried and am getting a little emotional at the thought that I didn’t feel that way.  The first time in a long long long time.  It just feels so good to not feel so hopeless and helpless.  I don’t know if it’s just the goLITE therapy light but something has changed and it is the best feeling in the world. 

In other news, last night we were all in my room and Crinkles was running around like a mad Crinks.  I’d started leaving the room to go downstairs and I heard a thud.  The Bage was in there with him and I heard him crying pretty hard.  I went back into the room and The Bage was holding Crinkles consoling him when we both noticed the blood pooling in his mouth.  I ran and got some gauze.  In his fall, his tooth went through his lip!  His tooth is fine from what we can tell but his poor lip.  The bleeding stopped fairly quickly, we got some ice on it, and called the doctor.  He stopped crying and it didn’t look awful so we wanted the doctor’s opinion before rushing him to the hospital for the potentially more traumatizing procedure of stitches.  The doctor said as long as it wasn’t a gaping hole he should be fine, just to keep an eye out for infection.

Another random note, Saturday was gorgeous!  I was outside in pants and short sleeves or a light jacket the whole time.  Gavin and I also went on our first bike ride of the year.  Can’t wait to get in more!  Then Sunday (and today, Monday) it has snowed and has been freezing cold.  Lame.

Okay well I do have to work  but that’s all I’ve got for now.

Pace,
Megan

goLite ...

Or go home!  Okay, didn't make sense but GET OVER IT!

So I wanted to type up my almost three week usage review.

I started off at the lowest light setting for 60 minutes set about 20" away from me.  That last part was a random side note, I know there is some sort of significance to the distance.  About 5 days in, I could tell a little difference but could also tell that I needed to up the level.  So, for the last 14 days I've had it on level 2 for about 60 minutes.  I say about because some days it is a little longer and some a little shorter.  It took me about a week to adjust the intensity and time to how I like it.  It also took about that long to start noticing a difference.

I do honestly think it's made a difference.  After the end of each session, I feel warm and calm inside.  The calmness helps me relax enough to think a little more clearly and start my work.  At this point, I would definitely recommend it.  Using the light in conjunction with my medication makes for one collected lady here!

  I think the real test will be when I'm off my medication though.  I'm too afraid to lower my dosage just yet and you're not supposed to quit cold turkey (there can be some not cool side effects).  But I do think that even without my medication this would be beneficial.  Once I work up the courage to let go of my meds I'll do another test.  I know I sound like a total addict in that last sentence but if you have been struggling for a while and then find the right combo of medication for you, it's hard to let it go thinking about how bad it can be without.

One thing I did want to address were some of my specific reasons for selecting this light and how my expectations have turned out:

1) It's compact, and can run off a charged battery for a couple days.  - This has been perfect for me since I use it at work, it's not big and awkward, and I can take it home without having to dismantle the plug.  Doesn't seem like a big deal but if you saw my desk and how I have to hook things up you'd understand! 

2) Adjustable light settings. -  I feel like a majority of the SAD lights I looked at really only had one light intensity.  The goLite Blu has 4 making it versatile for finding out what intensity and time combo works best for you.  It's been nice adjusting to find the 'perfect' fit.  Plus, it is UV free, the light filters those rays out so you're not going to be getting a tan at your desk :)

3) It had an alarm.  - You can set an alarm for either a sound chime or the light to turn on.  Or both!  I have mine set to the light to go on since I can get distracted during the day, this makes sure I can use it every day!  It has definitely kept me on track. 

4) It has a timer! - Again, I get distracted easily so this 'reminds' me when enough is enough when it turns off itself!

I cannot say enough good things about this light. I hope this review helps anyone considering getting one! Also, on a side note, if you have an FSA, this could be covered and fall under "medical equipment" with a doctor's recommendation. I used a letter from my therapist.

So that's all I've got for now! 


Pace,
Megan

18 Months!

Here is another post I wrote before but never polished!  February 1st, 18 months!

It's so hard to believe that my baby boy has been out of my belly for 18 months now.  I know every one says the time just flies by so to enjoy every moment.  Let me tell you something, it does, and I do.

Crinks chilling out on the benches at the aquarium

I haven't worked in childcare and I'm the first of my friends to have kids so I'm not sure what is 'normal' for this age.  But I think he is so smart.  And I'm not saying above average or anything but it is just amazing what he understands.  Here are a couple stats on the little man:

Weight - 25 lbs (45th percentile)
Height - 33.5 in (85th percentile)


And just because pictures are fun and I'm at home, I can post them...

My two favorite men

Gavin at his cousin's 3rd birthday party

Upside-down baby!

My Baby and I

He does this adorable thing where he just rests his forehead against mine.  I love it :)

Back at Christmas time

His first snow!  All bundled up and ready to go!

Playing with one of his new toys

I'm seriously loving this time with him and LOVE this age.  It's absolutely fascinating to me to watch him comprehend so many things.  When he watches you do something and copies, it is just amazing!  I'm sure I won't say that when he's copying my language!

Speaking of language he's got a few words down:

"Bye Bye" - clear as day
"Hi"
"Hi Doh Doh" - Hi doggy
"Hi Doo Doh" - Hi Juno (one of our pugs)
"Ball"
"Dahh" - dark
"Dahs" - shoes and socks
"Mla mla mla" - Banana, it's really cute when he says this.  His tongue sticks out at every 'l'
He knows what sounds a couple animals make but a majority are grouped into "woof woof" or "neee" (aka, "meow")

He has this one phrase which The Bage and I can't tell what it is, "What-ih-what-tahh".  You have to say it fast and all together like one word.  It's just funny.  I think I got it on video (hopefully!).

I can't think of much else right now.  He's transitioned into the 18 - 24 month room at daycare.  They have a lot more freedom there to run around the whole room.  The Bage and I aren't huge fans of the teachers in there so much but hopefully it'll just take a little time to warm up to them.

Pace,
Megan

Go Blu!

 

Light...

So on Saturday February 9th I received my Philips GoLite Blu (For some reason I started writing this but never posted it!).  The Philips light is a therapy light to help people who deal with, suffer, whatever you want to call it with Seasonal Affective Disorder (or SAD, as so appropriately acronymed).  It's not FDA approved so that that for what it's worth.  However, various studies have been done showing positive effects.  Even if it's just a placebo effect, I still think that's better than feeling crappy all Winter!

Philips goLite Blu

 I wanted to start with a baseline and kind of update people as I go along in case any one else is wondering about how and if this works.

I chose the Philips goLite Blu because of it's features.  Due to the cost of these devices you probably won't be able to try different ones at will unless you can borrow someone else's. 

Features:

1) It's compact, and can run off a charged battery for a couple days. 

2) Adjustable light settings.  I feel like a majority of the SAD lights I looked at really only had one light intensity.  The goLite Blu has 4 making it versatile for finding out what intensity and time combo works best for you.

3) It had an alarm.  You can set an alarm for either a sound chime or the light to turn on.  Or both!

4) It has a timer!  When the time runs out, it automatically shuts off.

So upon receiving it (purchased off Amazon) I opened it up and stayed patient while I charged it the 8 hours recommended before turning it on.  When I turned the light on,  I was blinded.  Sort of, just be careful and LOOK AWAY as the light is on full capacity!  Anyway, I had some difficulty figuring out how to set the timer and alarm.  I didn't quite get the symbols at first either.  I felt the instructions could have been a little more clear but I made it through. 

For those interested here are the symbols and their meanings:

"Bell" - If this symbol is on, a chime will go off (and it's not quiet) at the time set on the alarm
"Sun" (or ball with spines) - The light will turn on at the time set on the alarm

*If you have a combo of the above two showing, both things will happen

"Clock" - This is the timer and will count down the minutes to the light turning off.

Once I figured the above out, the rest was easy as far as increasing and decreasing the light intensity.

I'll follow up once I've been using it for a while to report back!

Pace,
Megan

I'm done with today.

I just feel like nothing.  I feel like crying.  I don't feel like thinking.  I feel trapped in this stupid chair.  I feel trapped in this work.  I don't want to drive.  I don't want to have responsibility to do anything.  Sometimes I wish I could be like those people don't care.  I don't really mean that.  I can't fathom deciding not to pick up my kid or whatever.  I just want to go home.  I just want all the happy things and to not do anything right now.

I feel like I try and try and nothing even gets caught up.  I can't handle this and I'm trying really hard.  I try to realx and take breaks at home but things need to get done that don't get done.  Something needs to change but I don't know what.

I just want to go home.