I’m in this place I don’t want to be. I look at people outside and see them living
life in ways they want and they can do spontaneous things. It’s not even spontaneity I’m missing. It’s that I’m working a job I don’t truly love
or enjoy. I know there are downsides in
every job but if every morning you wake up thinking, “I really don’t want to go
to work today.” Then you’re probably in the wrong profession.
The crazy thing for me is, I work within breathing distance
of what I want to do. I started taking a
training module for something new we’re working on and two words just triggered
this sense of longing and emptiness, “Multivariate Analysis”, or MANOVAs. I got a 100% on an exam I took regarding
these and was specifically asked to assist a professor in her research. I love statistics, I love analysis, I’m not
sure what I’m doing in underwriting. I
think this became the ‘easy’ path.
So why don’t I just look for something else? Well, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m
pregnant. To give up my vacation days
and insurance right now would be a really bad financial decision. I’m trying to hold off until I’ve had CJ and
then I will explore my options. I’m
hoping I’ll be able to find something closer to home as well. I don’t like the thought of leaving my
current company. Again, it’s easy and
comfortable. I like the idea of loyalty
and being with a company for a while but something has to give and I don’t want
a 40 minute drive one-way to work every working day for the next 30 years of my
life.
It just sucks sometimes that you have to make sacrifices now
for the benefits in the long run…
I just feel lost and alone and it sucks. I try to care about what I’m doing but it’s
hard most days. I have this personality
and energy that I can’t show here. All
the corporate bullshit is in the way and I understand why it has to be there
but it doesn’t make it much easier to deal with.
I’m complaining a lot and I’m sorry. I have to get this out somewhere. I know The Bage would listen to me but I
think I sound like a broken record at this point. I know he just wants me to be happy and I
think he doesn’t really know what to do because really, the only solution would
be to quit my job and go into something new.
I’ll get there eventually but right now my number one priority is my
family and not putting undue stress on us.
I can’t justify moving to a new position now where I wouldn’t get FMLA
and I won’t have any vacation days saved up, etc.
I just need to be patient and in the meantime, know there is
a light at the end of the tunnel and I’m still young and have time to make a
change.
I feel a little more empowered now but know this won’t be the
last time I feel like this.
Hope everyone is having a good Monday!
Megan
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