The Roller Coaster of My Brain

Depression.

I know I've written about this once, maybe twice before but after a meltdown the other night I realized how clueless people who don't experience these feelings and reactions are when it comes to depression.  I don't use "clueless" in a negative way, but just stating a fact. 

Let's start at the beginning of my story.  I didn't know I was "depressed" at the time.  I thought it was a phase, just weird thoughts running through my head, temporary lapses in judgement.  But looking back, some of what I did wasn't "normal".  It started in high school, about 13 years ago.  Overall I was a happy person but then the time came that I heard my parents arguing in the other room, so I left the house for a while to see if anyone would notice.  They didn't.  I felt "down" one day after a bowling match, we'd gotten back around 7pm.  I didn't want to be with anyone and didn't want to call anyone to pick me up so I made the 2.2mile walk in the dark and cold home.  This time someone noticed.  I know I had the thought, "I want to die." more than I could count.  But once I took a little step closer to making that wish a reality.  I remember holding a bottle of pills.  Wondering, how many it would take.  One night I sat on my windowsill, feet outside thinking, if I fall, I don't want to die, I just want to be really injured badly.  I can still remember those feelings now.  I remember telling my muscles just to push myself off. 

I never did these things though.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I still had the sense to tell myself not to do it.  I heard myself saying how stupid and silly it was.  That I had nothing to be depressed about.  I had a good life, so much better than a majority of the people in the entire world.  So why did I feel like this?

Along with the periods of feeling worthless, I would have periods of rage.  I would slam doors.  As I got older I wanted (I shouldn't be using the past tense here) to hurt things, hurt myself.  It's like, if I hurt these things, I won't hurt anything, or anyone, else.  But even so, it's not a conscious thought.  When I get into these states, there are two parts of me.  There is the part that is still conscious, still there literally saying to myself, "Don't do this.  It's childish and ridiculous.  Don't do it.".  But then there is the other side of me.  The primal, chemically driven side that simply says, "Fuck you." But it doesn't use words, it displays those emotions by carrying through with the actions. 

I kicked a hole in our wall two days ago.  That's one of the more damaging things I've done.  I lost it.  There wasn't any one thing that caused it.  It was that everything, starting at 3am the prior morning when my son woke up, that day went wrong, so wrong.  By the end of the day, I was exhausted from lack of sleep, exhausted from my workout, stressed from work, came home to a poopy diaper which should have already been changed, among a plethora of other things.  By the time I was cleaning the diaper and got poop on my hand and some water splashed out, I lost it.  I kicked the wall. 

My husband didn't know this at first but I wanted to tell him before he saw for himself.  So I told him, he didn't respond.  He was mad at me.  The Bage doesn't get mad at me often so it's a big deal for me.

So the cycle began.  I started crying about why I was so upset and tired and that I'm sorry and I didn't mean it, etc, etc.  But it's happened more than once.  He once again told me, as he has various other times over the last 5.5 years that he just didn't understand.  He said, "I get upset and angry at things but I deal with it.".  So the cycle begins of me trying to explain to him what is going on it my head, why I do what I do. 

I don't know that this will turn light bulbs on over peoples' heads but maybe generate a little current so there is a little more awareness and understanding.  If anything else, maybe other people that deal with this on a day to day basis won't feel as alone in their thoughts and feelings as I have these past 13 years.

I have to go for now but I will definitely write more.

Pace,
Megan

Really Pinterest People?

When I first got on Pinterest at the end of 2010 (I think it was around then...that seems so long ago!)..anyway, when I got on Pinterest I was hooked, addicted, not allowed to use my computer if I had to do something in the next couple hours.  I would spend hours and hours scrolling and pinning and scrolling.  I loved it. 

I still love it, but not as much.  I don't even think it's that the novelty has worn off, I just think the user crowd has changed.  I know the purpose of Pinterest is to create a visual organizer for ideas and inspiration.  But I feel like everything I see are wedding ideas, baby nurseries, fashion.  And sure, you want some ideas (I know I've pinned one or two nurseries) but it's just gotten out of control!!  I see all these hair and nail ideas, and every single time I think, who the fuck cares?!  Why are these things so prevalent?  Whatever happened to unique, quirky, original? 

Sorry for the rant but I was just on Pinterest and couldn't help but think about that.  I know if it frustrates me so much I should pick certain categories, etc.  Oh well.... I'll get over it.

Pace,
Megan

Job, Job, go away ....

I really shouldn't say that.  It makes me sound ungrateful for the job I do have.  Well trust me, I'm not ungrateful by any means... you'll see what I mean below.

I feel like I'm starting to get bored with my job.  I don't know if it's just me but I feel like after a year and a half (at any job), I get antsy.  I'm not sure if I'm just so intelligent (insert laughter here) that I get bored and need more of a challenge or if I'm just so dumb that what I'm doing is too challenging and I don't want to be held fully responsible for my actions once out of the training period.  Regardless, I'm bored.

The problem now is, I have responsibility.  I know I know, it sucks.  Well kind of.  I mean, my responsibilities are keeping my Crinkle alive (an awesome responsibility) as well as maintaining a house ... which again awesome.  They're awesome in that I am fortunate enough to be able to have both of those things (and more).  Anyway, I can't just up and leave my job like that. 

The Bage has interviewed and has a good shot at getting a promotion here in the next week.  With that comes a significant pay raise.  I could now stay at home if I wanted to.  It's tempting, yes, but I keep asking myself is that in the best interest of everyone?

Pros:

Less stress - (except for the days that the Crinks stresses me out)
No deadlines and set "working hours"
Spend more time with the Crinks
Take care of the house during the day and get food prepped at night so we have more family time when The Bage does get home
Reduction of expenses (gas, going out to eat, work clothes, etc)
More flexibility on chosing a work place when I do decide to return to work
Freedom to enter Masters program full-time

Cons:

No extra $
Takes the Crinks away from his friends and experiences at daycare
Takes me out of the work place for some time which could be negative in the future
Reduced paid benefits (401k, great medical insurance, paid vacation, etc)
Tighter finances (I guess that goes along with "No extra $")
Would need to pay for masters ourselves or wait a while if I wanted to continue doing it
No continueing insurance education and getting trip to Hawaii
More stress with coordinating things with Crinks

So really, not only are there more "Pros" but they are richer in the quality so to speak of their being.  That sounds really weird.  Another way to put would to be to say that the "Cons" are shallow reasons, money and benefit-based.  Not that they're not good reasons but what would really help direct me to a more positive love-filled life?  It's hard to say, I don't handle money stress well, I also worry a lot about the future so the money concerns are strong.  Things also work out well as they are now ... sigh so much to think about.  Well, as with most things in life, when it's time to make a move, I'll know.

I'm not one of those people that just sits around and waits for things to come to me but I do wait for a good opportunity.

Like, now, this is a good opportunity to stop writing and START WORKING!  (booooo )

Pace,
Megan

Cloth Diapering ... Full time!

This is how us "hard-core" full-time working moms do it (See link below).  I've seen a number of comments different places *cough* Facebook *cough* where people have been like, "Oh, I can use cloth diapers because I'm a stay at home mom."  Well you know what cookie?  I can cloth diaper, stay at work and home as well be awesome in general. 

The Cloth Diaper Revival: Real Life Cloth Diapering: Full time Cloth Diaperi...:

Anyway, not trying to put anyone down, just trying to squash any rumors out there for people who think they can't use cloth because they work full time.  Now, I've heard of some issues with daycares not allowing it for this reason and that, so sure, there are exceptions.  But as Jenny posted in the above, it's all about figuring out a routine and what is convenient for you. 

I would love to be able to have spent the minimum on a stash of 15-20 diapers but I need to have a life outside of laundry.  I think we currently have around 30-35 one-size to "medium" size diapers.  This is plenty.  This also gives me a "cheat" day.  The day that I just really can't bring myself to do laundry .....  oooorrrr completely forget.  Not that that ever happens.  Heh, hem.

Anyway, I just really agreed with the above, it's not as scary once you get into it as well...it just becomes a part of the every day.

If any reads this, feel free to ask any questions.  I'd be happy to answer.  I'm such a huge advocate of cloth!

Pace,
Meggie Sue

New Year...

...New Me.  Well, not really.  I can't say that I have any resolutions this year.  I really didn't state a resolution last year.  I think the unstated one was that I was going to lose weight and eat healthy.   I'd say I managed that fairly well. 

After a slow start in the begining of the year working out at lunch time at my office gym... I picked up the pace in July when I saw a Groupon for a local studio.  Hyde Park Body Boutique.  I seriously owe so much of my success to the ladies there.  Candice (the owner) and Amber in particular!  Without Candice's meal plans to help give me a better idea on what "eating healthy" really is, it would have been much harder.  Not to sound like a drone or anything here but for me, it helps when someone tells me what I'm going to eat.  Amber runs the boot camp classes I go to three days a week (sometimes 4 if I'm lucky!). 

HPBB is a smaller studio located in Hyde Park, Cincinnati, OH.  It's all women and the class sizes are small.  I've really felt comfortable there (even at my weight of 265lbs when I started), never judged.  And soon, as time when on, I felt like I couldn't just skip a class.  Because the classes are small, even though I know no one was judging me, I felt like I had to be there.  The classes are different every day....so no boring routines.  If it's nice out, we run out side a little even.  I hate running so luckily we don't usually do that.  But there is always a wide variety of things to do to work every part of your body. 

Since starting there in July, I've lost about 25lbs!  It's so hard to believe.  It's incredible the difference I feel ... just stronger, healthier, empowered.  Anyway, if you're from the Cincinnati area you NEED to go there.  It's a little pricier than other gyms but Candice will sometimes have sales on classes or a Groupon.  It's worth it though. 

A side note, HPBB recently won a small business contest where they received money to expand the studio by purchasing spin bicycles.  It's growing and there is lots of love :)


What else .... no other resolutions I guess.  Just continue to live and love life.  Maybe work on a few of my "30 before 30" things.... I've got about 2.5 years.  OH MY GOD.  Seriously.... 2.5 years and I'll be 30.  I might have a tiney meltdown on that birthday. 

Alright, back to being all sickly and working.  BOOOOOOoooooo

Pace,
Meggie Sue

Weight

My weight loss journey has DEFINITELY plateaued.  This last month with Thanksgiving, family over, I have agents that sent us stuff, etc.  But that really shouldn't be an excuse.  I need to exert more will power over the temptation of these delicious foods.  The thing is, I LOVE good healthy food.  Banana and apples with some cool whip on them is pretty darn good.  But what about those times that I NEED, not just really want, but NEED ice cream?  And trust me, a popcicle doesn't help.  A couple little bites doesn't happen, and so on and so forth. 

I know I just need to stop eating that stuff.  I mean, if I was diagnosed with diabetes then I wouldn't be eating it.  So why eat it now and continually increase my chances of being diagnosed?!  Both my dad and my dad's dad were diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.  That, inconjunction with my weight and the fact that I'm a sucker for sweets (mostly ice cream) just skyrockets my chances of getting it. 

Here is what needs to happen.  I need to give up ice cream.  I have to.  I'm going to start with a goal of NO ice cream (or any form similar (sorbet, ice cream sandwiches, etc) for the remainder of the month.  I know that doesn't seem like much but if you knew me, you'd understand.

So there we go.  No ice cream for the rest of the month.  I also need to be better about logging my food and using my fitbit.  The fitbit really does help to motivate me to walk more steps. 

I'm curious to try out their fancy-schmancy scale too but it's kind of pricey for me right now.  Maybe down the road...

By the way here are my current stats:

Starting weight: (after Gavin was born and water weight lost): 277lbs!

Current weight: 245lbs

Goal weight: 230lbs (before I can get pregnant again!)

Ultimate goal weight: 170lbs
Total weightloss so far: 32 lbs!!

Pace,
Meggie Sue

Happy Holidays....

::singing:: Toooooo Yoouuuuu!

I'm so pumped for the holidays.  I'm even more pumped that I'm not doing Christmas presents for anyone except for my little man and a small thing for my husband.  All parents argreed not to do presents this year and it is wonderful!  Seriously, it's so much less stress, less money coming out, and I feel like I've really been enjoying the overall festiveness in the air!

One of the sweetest things so far was this:

We put up our Christmas Tree on a Friday night after Crinkles had gone to bed.  We figured it would be easier than trying to keep a 16 month old from pulling ever ornament and box down.  The next morning, The Bage went downstairs and turned the Christmas tree on but no other lights.  When I brought Crinks downstairs, he stopped in his tracks...he could only see the top of the tree over our half wall.  He stared at it for a moment, then slowly started shuffling his feet towards the tree. 

He then proceeded to touch as many of the lights as possible saying, "Baieet.  Baieet."  which (OF COURSE) means "light".  He loves to look at it and has done surprisingly well with not tearing everything off the tree.  We made a conscious effor to keep all "Crinkle-safe" ornaments on the bottom.

I cannot wait until Christmas morning when he opens presents.  I need a new video camer but may have to settle for my regular camera this year. 

Back on the note of no presents, it really does make me realized how commercialized Christmas is.  It's actually really sad where it's gotten, even since I was little.  Don't get me wrong, I love(d) opening presents and I honestly love the feeling when you find some thing for some one and think, they will LOVE this!  But when you go to the stores, without lists and the feeling that you absolutely HAVE to buy something for someone today, you are able to think more clearly.  You realize how every item out there is something cheap, not personal, or uber expensive.  And all because the companies know you'll buy it because you *have* to and can't think of anything else on short notice. 

I'm not a very religious person either.  I was raised Lutheran but don't go to church any longer and honestly don't believe in God (I can discuss that another day).  Anyway, I understand the origin of Christmas from the Christianity perspective as well as it's roots set in other cultures.  I may not celebrate it as "Jesus' birth" but I do think it's a time to spend with family, be thankful for what we do have, and enjoy life.  It should not be people trampling others on "Black Friday" over an item on sale by $5. 

I just hope that one day, some of the madness will die down and people can refocus on what is important in life.  Continue to buy presents for others if that is what your family does but take a step back and really think about what you're getting them and why.  I think one present picked from the heart and your relationship is worth way more than 5 presents that include some generic gloves, scarves, MP3 player earphones, etc. 

I'll step off my soap box now, I just wanted to get that out.

With that, I wish you Happy Chanukah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, etc....

Pace,
Meggie Sue