The days I want to run away are the days I need to sit quietly and smile...

I’m in this place I don’t want to be.  I look at people outside and see them living life in ways they want and they can do spontaneous things.  It’s not even spontaneity I’m missing.  It’s that I’m working a job I don’t truly love or enjoy.  I know there are downsides in every job but if every morning you wake up thinking, “I really don’t want to go to work today.” Then you’re probably in the wrong profession.

The crazy thing for me is, I work within breathing distance of what I want to do.  I started taking a training module for something new we’re working on and two words just triggered this sense of longing and emptiness, “Multivariate Analysis”, or MANOVAs.  I got a 100% on an exam I took regarding these and was specifically asked to assist a professor in her research.  I love statistics, I love analysis, I’m not sure what I’m doing in underwriting.  I think this became the ‘easy’ path. 

So why don’t I just look for something else?  Well, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m pregnant.  To give up my vacation days and insurance right now would be a really bad financial decision.  I’m trying to hold off until I’ve had CJ and then I will explore my options.  I’m hoping I’ll be able to find something closer to home as well.  I don’t like the thought of leaving my current company.  Again, it’s easy and comfortable.  I like the idea of loyalty and being with a company for a while but something has to give and I don’t want a 40 minute drive one-way to work every working day for the next 30 years of my life. 

It just sucks sometimes that you have to make sacrifices now for the benefits in the long run…

I just feel lost and alone and it sucks.  I try to care about what I’m doing but it’s hard most days.  I have this personality and energy that I can’t show here.  All the corporate bullshit is in the way and I understand why it has to be there but it doesn’t make it much easier to deal with. 

I’m complaining a lot and I’m sorry.  I have to get this out somewhere.  I know The Bage would listen to me but I think I sound like a broken record at this point.  I know he just wants me to be happy and I think he doesn’t really know what to do because really, the only solution would be to quit my job and go into something new.  I’ll get there eventually but right now my number one priority is my family and not putting undue stress on us.  I can’t justify moving to a new position now where I wouldn’t get FMLA and I won’t have any vacation days saved up, etc. 

I just need to be patient and in the meantime, know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I’m still young and have time to make a change.

I feel a little more empowered now but know this won’t be the last time I feel like this.

 

Hope everyone is having a good Monday!

Megan

15 Weeks...I'm not very creative with these...

I know I’m late in writing this.  I had some concerns and I didn’t want to post anything until I felt better.

 

This last week has been a little stressful to say the least.  My worries started last Saturday morning.  I woke up with a headache.  Like a bad yucky headache.  I drank a lot of water, took an early nap, and eventually took some Tylenol.  Nothing worked.  The Tylenol helped a little but didn’t make it go away.  I had this stupid same headache through Monday.  So that was the first thing.  Then, I’m sure since I entered into my second trimester; a lot of symptoms have gone away.  I don’t have to pee as frequently, my boobs aren’t sore any more, and since I’m overweight…it’s not like I have a belly to feel.  Needless to say I was freaking out that something had happened to CJ. 

 

Then I started thinking about all the ‘bad’ things I’d done like eating that medium-rare steak and not taking my pre-natal vitamin every day!  There are other things too that you’re just second guessing everything.  My poor husband kept hearing about it and I think he was a little worried but couldn’t really say ‘everything will be okay’ because, who really knows?! 

 

I had my appointment scheduled for 4:45pm on Wednesday…I had it moved to 12:50pm that day.  I just needed to know sooner rather than later.  Plus, I was nervous if something was wrong that there wouldn’t be anyone else around for a second consultation or an ultrasound tech to take a look, etc.  

 

So I get to my appointment and start telling the nurse my concerns.  As I’m saying these things, I start to realize they’re all ‘normal’ and I’m overacting.  I knew then there was probably nothing to it but still I had to ask.

 

Things got a lot better once we were in the room talking to the midwife.  She answered my questions and made me feel a lot better about things.  To top it off, she found CJ’s heartbeat right away, 130 BPM. 

 

I asked a lot of questions too regarding how the midwives handle things.  I told her my concerns and unhappiness with the episiotomy I had with Crinks.  She said that shouldn’t have been done without my consent, or knowledge and that they would not do that, even in emergency.  I would at least be informed. 

 

It also sounded like the midwives are in the room a lot more with you too while you’re in labor.  I told her I wanted to go natural this time and she said they would definitely be there more to help support me.  I was thankful to hear that…overall the fact that I insisted on the midwives was confirmed to be a good call!  They are just a much better fit on what I want this time around with a birth.

 

I’m not a hard-core ‘crunchy’ mama but I also don’t believe in intervention when not necessary.  I know the relief an epidural gives and I’m still going to go natural this time around…. Wish me luck! ;)

 

 

 

How far along? 15 weeks

Sleep? Good.  I’ve been exhausted at the end of the day so I only get up to pee once a night if that.

Maternity Clothes? Yes.  I feel so much better in them as they flatter me. 

Stretch Marks? No new ones.

Best Moment this week? Hearing CJ’s heartbeat, confirmation that he/she is doing well in there!

Miss Anything? Not really…

Movement? I think maybe.  I’ll be feeling more in the next couple weeks though.

Size of the Baby? About 4 inches!  Hard to believe CJ is that big already. 

Food Cravings? WINGS!  Holy cow…wings!  Mainly the parmesan garlic and the sweet BBQ sauces from Bdubs.  I tried to make a healthier version and put the sauce on some roasted chicken.  Good, but not the same.

Food Aversions? Not any one thing but every once in a while the Bage makes something and I can’t kiss him.

Morning Sickness? No

Gender? Unknown for now.  The ultrasound is scheduled for October 16^th!  I’m so excited J

Bed Rest? Nope

Limitations? Nope

Labor Signs? Nope

Weight Gain? I’ve gained about 9ish pounds…where the Hell did that come from?  I am altering my diet starting now!  I was doing well with the diet thing but we need to be better about getting to the grocery store.

Pregnancy Symptoms? Tired but not too much else…hungry.

Belly Button In or Out? In

Wedding Rings On or Off? On.

Mood? Good!

Looking Forward To? The weekend, going shopping and getting some maternity pants.  The Targets I’ve gone too don’t seem to have any work style maternity pants. 

I Graduated...

... to the Second Trimester bitch!  I probably shouldn't use such profanity when dealing with anything referencing my sweet little lump of baby....but whatever.  No one reads this any way :p

So I just realized I never did my week 14 update!  In general I’ve been doing well, busy.  My husband has been really busy lately which means more one on one Crinkle time!  At first, I must admit, I was a little nervous about it.  Having to be the primary person for Mr. Crinkles and all.  But it’s worked out well.  I mean, all the ‘hard’ work I do anyway but I did notice I was a little more tired not really getting much of a break.  I guess just another reminder as to why I’m not a stay at home mom.

 

Speaking on that topic, I will be going back to work after having CJ.  The only thing that would really influence that decision is my job.  If I absolutely hate my job around that time, then yes, I might take off and look for something else but I really don’t foresee that happening.  I’m just really not the type of mom that wants to spend 24/7 with their kids.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Crinks more than I thought it was possible to love anything in the world but I am one of those people that definitely need her ‘me’ time.  I need to feel like I’m doing something and I like the mental challenge.  And those are both things I get with my job.  Plus, I really enjoy getting a paycheck and bonuses!

 

On the down side, I’d probably spend a lot less eating out and gaining weight L.  There is a balance in everything and I’m just working on striking it.

 

How far along? 14 weeks!

Sleep? Good.  I’ve been exhausted at the end of the day so I only get up to pee once a night.

Maternity Clothes? Yes.  I feel so much better in them as they flatter me. 

Stretch Marks? No new ones.

Best Moment this week? Possibly feeling some flip flops…probably still too early but I think that was CJ! Also, officially graduated to the 2^nd Trimester!

Miss Anything? Nahh

Movement? See best moment, I *think* so…

Size of the Baby? About 3.5 inches…getting bigger. 

Food Cravings? Salty things now.  I’ve really been enjoying ketchup and French fries.  I used to prefer French fries without ketchup now I load it on!  Let’s not talk about my expanding waist!

Food Aversions? Cooked spinach The Bage made and some tortellini dish…blech!

Morning Sickness? No

Gender? Unknown. But we will find out! We’re looking at October.

Bed Rest? Nope

Limitations? Nope

Labor Signs? Nope

Weight Gain? I’ve gained about 9ish pounds…where the Hell did that come from?  I am altering my diet starting now!

Pregnancy Symptoms? Tired but not exhausted, tiny bump forming, sore boobs.  I’m constantly warning my husband to be careful!  It’s really bitter sweet since that is like my favorite thing (TMI? Get over it!)…

Belly Button In or Out? In

Wedding Rings On or Off? On but my hands have felt swollen

Mood? Good!

Looking Forward To? My midwife appointment next Tuesday!!  The other day I was driving and all of a sudden all of these thoughts hit my brain.  I had to write them all down.  I now need to recopy them since it looks like a 2 year old wrote it!

Also, Pinterest Party tonight!!!

13 Weeks...almost out of the 1st Trimester

Meh.  That’s all I have to say right now.  I’m at work and really don’t want to be.  I have good days where I’m all gung-ho about getting stuff done but those are so few and far between.  I’ve just been feeling a little down lately, hopefully that goes away soon.  I’m sure it doesn’t help that I had to drop Crinkles off at school today and he was not very happy about it.  I felt bad.

 

So after I had Crinks, my hormones were all over the place.  They never really went away either but now they’re back in full force.  Take, for example, this morning.  I’m driving into work and am listening to the Peter, Paul, and Mommy record (awesome record by the way!) and Puff the Magic Dragon comes on.  Talk about a sad song!  Basically it’s about how kids have imaginary friends and they live forever but eventually the kids grow up and don’t play with them anymore.  I’m sitting in my car getting teary-eyed over this imaginary dragon that doesn’t have his friend anymore!  It was sad and I may be a little hormonal :p

 

How far along? 13 weeks!

Sleep? Fine.  I only really get up to go to the bathroom.    

Maternity Clothes? Pretty much yes.  I’m fairly certain CJ went on a growth spurt last week and I ate all the food in the house.  My own pants really wouldn’t be working right now.  Good thing I bought some new clothes last week!

Stretch Marks? No new ones.  Although I had a dream I did get new ones and they were monsterous!

Best Moment this week? Having a lazy, long weekend with my son and husband.  We went to the aquarium twice (per request of Crinks) and ate delicious Dewey’s pizza twice!

Miss Anything? Not really…

Movement?  Maybe…I can’t tell but there are little things here and there that make me wonder.

Size of the Baby? A peapod.  About 3 Inches.

Food Cravings? Sweet stuff mostly.  Wish I wanted veggies.

Food Aversions? No but I about barfed when in the aquarium and we had to walk through this tank area and it smelled like seafood (go figure!).

Morning Sickness? Nope!

Gender? Unknown. But we will find out!  We’re looking at October.

Bed Rest? Nope

Limitations? Nope

Labor Signs? Nope

Weight Gain? About 4-5 lbs-ish.

Pregnancy Symptoms? Tired but not exhausted, feel a pressure in my uterine-area, I don’t know….

Belly Button In or Out? In

Wedding Rings On or Off? On

Mood? Meeehhhh, I’ve had better days.

Looking Forward To?  Nothing really.  Possibly going to the Renaissance Festival next weekend!!


P.s...I might try to post some pictures.  I'm only just now starting to get a bump.  I guess that's what I get when I'm overweight!