Baby talk! Don't get me wrong, I've always wanted 2 kids, no more, no less. But over the last 15 months with Crinkles I can't count on my own hands and feet the number of times I've thought, this isn't happening again. This whole living your existence with screaming, crying, pooping, sleeping...yes, yes, the baby NOT ME (well......) is just not my cup o' tea. I love love love the stage he's at now! He's so curious and interactive. I love that he understands (most) of what i'm saying. He likes to help us feed the doggies ("Haiii doe doe") and dry the dishes and mop.
But the other day, I was stolling along being all me, and then the thought hit me. Like, a light switch literally flipped because there were no shades of gray in this at all. Light bulb over my head....I'm ready for Crinkles Junior. And before anyone says anything, yes, you can have a "Junior" off a "Senior" if that "Senior" happens to be their sibling. I mean, that's who you're naming them after right? Well, that's how it's going down in my world.
Anyway, so Crinkles Junior, or CJ for short... I'm just ready. It just stinks we have to keep an eye on our finances. Boooo money. We both have great salaries and are frugal on top of that. But we just bought a new house in August which saw our mortgage go up $500! We also borrowed some money from my parents which we have to payback. I want to have them paid back within 3 years but that's almost $5,000 a year. so yeah, with those things on top of our other loans, it would just be best to be patient and hold off. The last thing I ever want to do again is live paycheck to paycheck. Not. Fun.
But i'm excited. Especially after hanging out with a 4 month old and 10 month old this last weekend. I had so much fun. I just can't think of the horrible sleeplessness and stress. I tell myself it'll be a little better now that I have a better idea what to expect. But as I hear from everyone, no two babies are the same. We'll see I guess.
I need to do one thing at a time. I need to focus on getting the house in shape, getting my butt in shape, and figure out what is going on with my job.
Speaking of my butt, I'm down about 20 lbs! I was doing really well and then this last weekend blew up in my face. Add that to the fact that Thanksgiving is coming up. I wish I had someone doing this with me. It's a lot more motivating when you're accountable to someone other than yourself. It doesn't help that The Bage is not eating well AT ALL lately. He's driving me crazy!
We got two large bags of candy from Sam's for Halloween this year. We were told from neighbors that so many kids come along. Well this year, the weather was aweful... it was cold and spitting rain here and there. We barely had any kids. So at first we were going to try and return the candy. But then we couldn't find the receipt. So I'm thinking cool, it'll be nice to have some candy around to have a treat here and there. Well not only has The Bage eaten at least 3 pieces of candy a day but he usually eats more. He finished a whole bage of nerds in 2 or 3 days. It just makes me nervous. It's like, ever since he got back from the hospital he just eats like crap and comes up with excuses on why he can't go work out.
I don't want to push him, or nag on him, especially with how great he's been with me. Since we've been together I've gained over 50lbs. Part of that was an after effect of a surgery I had but I know I haven't always eaten the greatest. But it just makes me nervous, like he thinks, "Oh, I lost all this weight when I was in the hospital so I can gain it back." I don't know. I think he's a little depressed right now. He doesn't have any guy friends near by to hang out with. I've been more social lately with going out and have been leaving him on his out more often. Not that he can't handle himself without me by any means but I know that can be lonely.
I just wish there was something I could do. I've asked him several times if he's happy. He says 'yes' but I know him. I'm really trying to encourage him to go visit is friend down in Lexington, KY. He's really not that far away but I think he's just being lazy and doesn't want to make the trip.
I feel like I've finally figured myself out. I've gotten over the fact that I'm an adult now and I have more responsibility than I did before. I think he's still struggling with that. I didn't realize for the longest time that's a big part of what was bothering me. It took me months after my theapy sessions ended for me to come to that realization. I found myself being upset about the things I *had* to do. And that all I wanted to do was play video and computer games like I *used* to. Those were the keys, my life isn't filled up with all these empty hours now where I can do whatever I want whenever. I have a baby now that I need to take care of, and educate, and play with. I know that sounds like such a basic idea but it was such a big dramatic change that it took a long time for me to get over and get used to.
Since realizing that, I've been able to make what we do together fun. If it's nice outside, we go to the park right after I pick him up. Or we go outside to play. There are days we just go home when I have to get something done. It's just the way life is. I feel so good about my life now. A little over a year ago I wouldn't have said that, even two years ago. I've been struggling with this depression for so long that I'd get lost in my thoughts. I'd start my medication only to stop it when I would start feeling good but then I'd go right back down again. I do eventually want to try and get off of it but I don't think I'll ever really be able to.
I'm such a different, happy person on it. I can tell an immediant difference if I miss my pill for a day or two. I'm not an advocate of taking drugs or pills because they're the easy solution. Trust me, I've tried meditation, progressive relaxation, all sorts of stuff. But it never worked and I would have these explosions, melt downs, if I were a bomb my meltdowns would probably take out the earth. But with the medicine. I feel like I can think clearly. I can recognize myself amongst whatever stress or thoughts I have an get myself to calm down an react is a mostly rational manner.
Not everyone needs medication but for those who do, it really is life changing.
As usual, I've gotten off on a random tanget and at this point need to get going, that whole work thing really gets in the way sometimes :)
Pace,
Meggie Sue
No comments:
Post a Comment